Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth meet their biggest fan, 67-year-old gender studies lecturer, Barbara.

Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth meet their biggest fan, 67-year-old gender studies lecturer, Barbara.

Please note: I didn’t watch the Grammy Awards.

Please note: I didn’t watch the Grammy Awards.

Part 2: A Happy Valentine’s Day To You! (Click for largeness and best face-melting resolution) Okay, so I’m a week early, but my hatred of Valentine’s Day knows no bounds. More importantly, since I already clocked it last year with my ‘Yo Dawg’ message to myself in the newspaper, I knew I had to lift my game for 2012 - and what better way to do that than with a comic that sums up how I feel about a) romance b) happy couples and c) laser beams shooting from my eyes?! Yes, I’m currently single.

Part 2: A Happy Valentine’s Day To You!

(Click for largeness and best face-melting resolution)

Okay, so I’m a week early, but my hatred of Valentine’s Day knows no bounds.

More importantly, since I already clocked it last year with my ‘Yo Dawg’ message to myself in the newspaper, I knew I had to lift my game for 2012 - and what better way to do that than with a comic that sums up how I feel about a) romance b) happy couples and c) laser beams shooting from my eyes?!

Yes, I’m currently single.

“You can use this mask to turn your dog into a pony for your kids.” Customer Image Gallery for Accoutrements Horse Head Mask Thanks to Horse eComics for opening my eyes to the brilliance that is this 13-page photo gallery.

“You can use this mask to turn your dog into a pony for your kids.”

Customer Image Gallery for Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

Thanks to Horse eComics for opening my eyes to the brilliance that is this 13-page photo gallery.

Well obviously this guy is an arts and crafts genius.

Well obviously this guy is an arts and crafts genius.

“I dunno”, said Steven Spielberg, patting the proud horse’s nose, as the pair took a brief moment for themselves amid the frenzy of opening night. “I just didn’t think Hook was that bad. I mean, 1941 I can cop, and sure, there were some shots in A.I. that I probably could have gone without, but come on: Rufio! Ruf-i-oooooh! Right?” “Yes but Steven,” said Joey, over the cacophony of fans and photographers, “surely you can see how the food fight scene seems incredibly childish in retrospect? Compared to the childlike quality of characters like Roy Neary or even E.T. himself, it’s just so hideously infantile. Plus, by the end of it, what are they even throwing at each other? Play-Doh? Didn’t look like any food I would eat.” “But that’s the point,” said the director, as the pair began to walk along the red carpet once more, “it’s a scene of pure fantasy.” “If that’s the case, then,” whinnied Joey, “why did Tink have to fall in love with Peter? Surely her devotion to him was already well demonstrated by Barrie in the ‘you have drunk my medicine’ scene from the book?” “I guess so,” Spielberg replied, “which is sort of why I included that in E.T., in—” The horse interrupted with enthusiasm: “—the scene where Mary is reading to Gertie, and E.T. is in the closet?! Oh man, that makes me cry every time. I was so glad it made it onto the album, too, the one with Michael Jackson narrating. Especially since Michael himself had such an enduring connection to the Peter Pan myth. Don’t you think?” “Yes,” said Spielberg quietly, “that was rather touching.” They both stood still for a moment and took in the energy of the crowd surrounding them. Joey swished his tail defiantly, and after a few seconds, started moving along the carpet once more. “Shall we see if we can meet the Duchess of Cambridge?”

“I dunno”, said Steven Spielberg, patting the proud horse’s nose, as the pair took a brief moment for themselves amid the frenzy of opening night. “I just didn’t think Hook was that bad. I mean, 1941 I can cop, and sure, there were some shots in A.I. that I probably could have gone without, but come on: Rufio! Ruf-i-oooooh! Right?”

“Yes but Steven,” said Joey, over the cacophony of fans and photographers, “surely you can see how the food fight scene seems incredibly childish in retrospect? Compared to the childlike quality of characters like Roy Neary or even E.T. himself, it’s just so hideously infantile. Plus, by the end of it, what are they even throwing at each other? Play-Doh? Didn’t look like any food I would eat.”

“But that’s the point,” said the director, as the pair began to walk along the red carpet once more, “it’s a scene of pure fantasy.”

“If that’s the case, then,” whinnied Joey, “why did Tink have to fall in love with Peter? Surely her devotion to him was already well demonstrated by Barrie in the ‘you have drunk my medicine’ scene from the book?”

“I guess so,” Spielberg replied, “which is sort of why I included that in E.T., in—”

The horse interrupted with enthusiasm: “—the scene where Mary is reading to Gertie, and E.T. is in the closet?! Oh man, that makes me cry every time. I was so glad it made it onto the album, too, the one with Michael Jackson narrating. Especially since Michael himself had such an enduring connection to the Peter Pan myth. Don’t you think?”

“Yes,” said Spielberg quietly, “that was rather touching.”

They both stood still for a moment and took in the energy of the crowd surrounding them. Joey swished his tail defiantly, and after a few seconds, started moving along the carpet once more. “Shall we see if we can meet the Duchess of Cambridge?”

“We’ve taken the guesswork out of this year’s Christmas shopping, here’s a necklace that costs $1.6m”

“We’ve taken the guesswork out of this year’s Christmas shopping, here’s a necklace that costs $1.6m”